I think I was a philosopher in another life. I almost can’t think of anything else! I really can’t express how much I question myself, and things around me. I almost can’t put it into words. Maybe that's why I draw, maybe I can express a more beautiful composition that touches more than words. Endless lines. How many words would I need for that. Uf, guess way too many. Maybe that's why words lack me many times. Maybe...
Here I go again with my questions. I was feeling like this these days. Falling into a crazy spiral of questions, like Alice in her Rabbit Whole. Why do I draw? Why do words lack me? Or do I think my words are not enough? Or even my art? How can I express all this that pops into my mind? I think, rethink, connect, experiment? Is it possible to pass this on to the world? Is there a real essence behind all this that is inside me? A real message? What is this message? What am I passing on? What am I leaving behind? What is my impact? How can I make this impact more positive? Something even truer to my “self”? A crazy spiral...told you so.
And this was just the beginning. It’s true. You know sometimes I do feel like John Nash - not that I'm brilliant like he was and I’m also not that immersed in the mathematics world - but in the sense of a tireless mind that sees connections in things that aren't obviously in front of us. Sometimes I just wish I had an endless piece of chalk to write on - or draw on - all surfaces I could find in front of me. So restless is my mind sometimes - and as a consequence, also the will to express.
And all of a sudden, instead of expressing, I let myself be taken into spirals of questions. How? Why? Where? Where to begin? It may sound silly, because anyone who sees my scene from the outside, and anyone who knows me too, knows that I'm the kind of person who makes things happen. When I tell myself I’m doing something,I really do it. Small tasks to big projects. I am the person who rows the boat, who organizes, who leads, and when that specific task is over, I jump into the next big boat to make it move towards the right direction. But I do have a side of me that questions my own abilities and possibilities. Those more attached to astrology say that it is my capricorn goat that breaks the legs of my aries. A war between species right within me. (Oh yay!)
So what do I do when I see myself in this loop? Sometimes I just spin a little (just a little bit I promise) - all alone - I scream into my pillow, run out in the middle of the forest like a wild animal, dance in the darkness of my living room, cry, draw, write, look for something beautiful to contemplate, something that turns me off or just tune in to someone who knows me well. My red buttons as I call them - like the ones that say “eject” inside a moving aircraft - a mental trigger that I created for me to find my ground again.
We live in an era in which, most of the time, we focus on our daily concerns. From small decisions about what to eat in the next meal to big issues within the companies we work in or our relationships. So many worries...we all have them. And then, when we would have time to contemplate - as did the ancient human beings who did not have the excessive connection we have today - we dive instead into social networks, into groups filled with spam messages, into discussions that lead to nowhere. More concerns, comparisons, isolation. The truth is that we live in an alienated world that does not seem to give us a break. We are all drowning within our own minds. Our bodies being flooded with nutrient-free food. By an excessive concern for image. By a lack of truth. Authenticity. Vulnerability.
Yeah, this was part of just another spiral of questioning this week.
(Are you still with me? Let’s keep going…)
And then the next big question that was inevitable - what does my art mean within this context?
This past year, as I've commented in a few moments through the networks, was essential for me to realize that I was putting an enormous pressure on my creativity. Yes, art can turn into a business. Art is an extension of the artist. And all this (which many people say isn't) is possible. Yes, I have tried it, tested it and made it happen. And in the middle of that I also tested my limits. And I keep working on it. To really understand where I want to go. And then keep going. Only we live certain things, we actually have the power to make choices with a little more certainty. It’s by doing, not just by thinking. And I'm just standing at another crossroad at this point. I've lived through so many possibilities, and now I want to experiment another one. To answer a calling. To go beyond everything I've been doing until this present moment. Is my art nothing but a product? Is it just another bunch of lines? A bunch of images lined up on social networks? What's the real role behind it? A beautiful composition? What is the purpose of that?
I was at this point in my “little” philosophical moment when my coach, with whom I also share many references and philosophies (Thiago, what a saint) just sent me a link and said: "When you have a little time, watch this!” Our exchanges are always enriching and I feel they just pop up at the right time. (coincidences?) Of course I just found the time in the middle of my own daily worries (remember, those I mentioned at the beginning). And then I just dived into one of Sir Roger Scruton’s documentaries, an english philosopher and writer, who happened to pass away this week (RIP). "Why Beauty Matters?"
I will finish this text like this: Give yourself this time!
Listen, contemplate, connect.
And then, maybe (maybe?) you'll understand part of the spiral that's inside me right now. Art gives meaning to my everyday life. Beauty inspires me, moves me, feeds me. And I make Scruton's words my own at this moment (just because I haven't found my one yet - or maybe I don't even need to - I'll just go draw some lines and be right back): "Through art, and through music, we are able to face the things that concern us. We find comfort and peace in their presence. Through the capacity of beauty we redeem our suffering. We amplify our joy and find consolation for our sorrows. We find harmony. A point between the real and the ideal."
My art saves me from randomness and disorder. And perhaps it can have this effect on you too?
What do you feel?
Tell me… I really want to know!
Leia o texto em português, aqui :)
Our environment encourages conformity and control - two concepts I perceive as prisons. We become afraid of letting ourselves loose. The fear that kills our freedom of expression and creativity, once we start telling ourselves “I can’t” “I don’t dare” “what will people think of me?” I am breaking free of this.
I’m sorry to say that an idea is worth nothing, until you grab it by its tale - or head - and start designing it. You can write it down, you can draw, you can call a friend, you can start working on the connections between your idea and the actual development of that idea.
until very recently I would buy a new notebook, subscribe to a different meditation app, or insert-here-the-miraculous-item-of-your-choice, and repeat to myself: this time will be different, this time I will finally become a less chaotic person. Sometimes I convinced myself to try some hot new thing – hello #bulletjournal – or experiment a famous technique – pomodoro? #beentheredonethat, more than once.